On the fringes of the ostracized circle, where people’s merciless gazes are the scorching, penetrating lashes of the sun, she tiptoes into the polka dots of shades. Ah, but the shades are none other than the swooping shadows of the vultures above. Hovering close, eyes leering, beaks clicking with mirth, thrilled at the look of confusion and shame on her. Dare not she rest her weary eyes. Dare not she find comfort in the unintentional breeze flapping out of their wings. The old birds are here to feast on her misery, to cackle at her misfortune, to meticulously pick apart pieces of fleshy gossip and rumor, and relish them down with the satisfaction of being on the safe side of the circle. The legal, accepted, side.
All it takes for her is a meaningless little step, a mere hop, to get into the sphere of legal acceptance. An entry given as a reluctant compromise for having eventually conformed to their rules. But the gap between that hop is wider than eternity. The vital difference between disdain and approval, between treating her like a person and a smelly mouse. Yet, having come from that mid-line, of being neither here nor there, she loses her worth, the esteemed merit of joining the niche. She can step into the circle, but should remain at a safe distance from the crowd. The past hangs over her like the dead albatross on the mariner’s neck. A constant, heavy reminder that she is inexcusably different, ineligible to fit in.
Then, the boundaries cease to make a difference. She wouldn’t have fit in the disapproved circle, neither did she find her place tip-toeing on its edges, nor will she snugly attach to the elite circle of legal and social acceptance.
Does it matter then, where she stands, or is pushed to stand? Why fuss over those arbitrary lines? Who defined them? What reasoning went behind those sharp, cruel distinctions? I thus try to distill her muddy thoughts, to filter the sludge of feelings choking her.
Thank those hands that try to pull you into the circle. Accept gracefully that their forces can’t hope to overpower the forces of repulsion. Seek your little radius to root yourself. Remember to always travel with yourself, lean on yourself, for you are the only one that matters. You are the only one who can be your best companion.
All it takes for her is a meaningless little step, a mere hop, to get into the sphere of legal acceptance. An entry given as a reluctant compromise for having eventually conformed to their rules. But the gap between that hop is wider than eternity. The vital difference between disdain and approval, between treating her like a person and a smelly mouse. Yet, having come from that mid-line, of being neither here nor there, she loses her worth, the esteemed merit of joining the niche. She can step into the circle, but should remain at a safe distance from the crowd. The past hangs over her like the dead albatross on the mariner’s neck. A constant, heavy reminder that she is inexcusably different, ineligible to fit in.
Then, the boundaries cease to make a difference. She wouldn’t have fit in the disapproved circle, neither did she find her place tip-toeing on its edges, nor will she snugly attach to the elite circle of legal and social acceptance.
Does it matter then, where she stands, or is pushed to stand? Why fuss over those arbitrary lines? Who defined them? What reasoning went behind those sharp, cruel distinctions? I thus try to distill her muddy thoughts, to filter the sludge of feelings choking her.
Thank those hands that try to pull you into the circle. Accept gracefully that their forces can’t hope to overpower the forces of repulsion. Seek your little radius to root yourself. Remember to always travel with yourself, lean on yourself, for you are the only one that matters. You are the only one who can be your best companion.
4 comments:
No clique that makes you feel worthless is worth truly joining, or paying too much attention to. Some niceties are like housekeeping and folding socks- Not your favorite activities, just things to do and forget about. As long as you find the little radius to root yourself, you will always be the outsider in those cliques, but always be at home too :)
Randomly read this one today, Neeraja.... This one is so close to my own feelings about social acceptance which I wrote about in one of my posts... this blog is a hoarded feast... any time I'm hungry, I can just stop by and pick a treat :-)
Thanks for all the beauty!
Thanks a lot Anonymous. It means a lot that you could connect with these words.
Yes, it does, and it means so much that I can tell you that I connect... and it also means a lot that I know that you know, and also want you to know, that its me who's writing this comment.
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