With smiles and happiness all around me, I find myself unsuccessfully controlling my tears.
Because I am reminded of you, R. I am in tears knowing that I will never see how you would have been proud, happy, and satisfied to read and see what I did with all your words, tears, thoughts, views, and emotions. I was so close and yet too late. And for that, I will be forever disappointed in myself. My gigantic document sags with the realization that people to whom the content matters the most are not around to read it. I can hear your jokes and wisecracks about my tears, and I smile and cry a little more.
Last week, you would have celebrated your 30th birthday. As I thank the Universe for one thing, I curse it and demand explanations for many things on behalf of you. Karma does not make sense anymore. Nothing - no theory, no pacification, no explanation makes sense anymore when I see the world through you. It is unacceptable. But you managed to see above all that. With all the pain and tragedy you lived in, you still smiled at a senseless, cruel life, and gave back so much love, laughter, warmth, and goodness as a wonderful son, uncle, brother, and friend. As unfair as life can be, you showed how to live through everything with grace, dignity, and a sense of humor.
And your smile, it is forever etched in me. Your smile will continue to teach me to value the deeper things in life. You showed me that it is possible to see the goodness and positive light glinting within every moment, and you taught me to live life through these small, shining moments. The lingering memory of your smile will always light up the darkest alleys I have to cross in my life.
I cannot begin to thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me; and for trusting me enough to let me in to your most personal and private space.