The Myers & Briggs Personality Test (MBTI metric) classified me as 99% introverted 10 years ago. I agreed with it. Several wondered how I managed to escape the elusive 1% in the metric. This was not good news to people at work and family. I was always advised to change, to "better" myself. It was non-negotiable. Such an introverted personality (no matter what other traits they possess) is essentially perceived as a liability to oneself and to people around them.
And so, I tried to change. I remember a conversation with my dearest friend, a fellow introvert who figured out the key strategies for self-adjustment. She would walk me through potential social scenarios and brainstorm ways in which I could participate in conversations, things I could say, how I could voice the statements etc. etc. Feels pathetic, doesn't it? But I needed it. I always did well 1-1, but in a group, I wanted to disappear and remain invisible. Why add to all the noise? But, that's how the world works - visibility and noise matter a lot.
Fast forward to the present. Increasingly over the past couple of years, people have been calling me "extroverted" and "bubbly" - terms that have never been associated with me. When I correct them, they vehemently disagree (much to my secret pleasure), my family senses "a change" in me, some friends were confused by my apparent dual personality, some old friends were pleasantly shocked, some even took offense when I wanted to shut out and be myself when I'd been "bubbly" just an hour ago, and the one person who has seen and lived through this journey with me finally commented - "you have brought out the better version of yourself".
So, the researcher in me, wanted evidence I could understand more objectively. I retook the MBTI test, and now I am 61% introverted. Still an introvert, but close enough to straddle and switch between personalities when needed. I recognize it as a survival necessity.
In my personal journey of self-improvement and awareness, this is significant for me. It took 10 years of painful reflection and constant calibrations, walking the fine line between being genuine and mustering some "fake" enthusiasm in light of the bigger goal, negotiations with family and friends over the frequency of socializations vs. solitude, and most importantly, recognizing and accepting the core of who I am, the things about me that will never change and that I do not want to change. There are still days when I hear people "pleasantly" cursing my introversion, telling me that I "don't seem like I even exist" (the existential questions that such statements trigger!), and there are days when I want to curl up and give up.
And then I read this book that was recommended to me by several. I wish I had read it sooner. I wish I could just hand this over to people who refer to introverts with a negative inflection, who perpetuate the belief that extroverts are the "right type" of personality, the more lovable, "normal" people.
Well researched and written with clarity, insight, deep empathy and understanding (for the author is an introvert herself), this is a comprehensive book for anyone curious about the personality differences and misconceptions surrounding introverts and extroverts. Every type of personality has intrinsic strengths and values. They are suited to specific types of jobs or environments, but are in no ways incapable of going beyond their sphere of "suitability". It requires some flexing of their personality "muscles" to fake and adopt some traits/skills to get to where they want to be. Many times, it is their uniqueness and how they apply their skills uniquely that matters. If networking is important to your career, you need to suck it up and do it. How often you do it, how you go about preparing for it, etc. is where you strategize, given your personality type. I appreciate this pragmatic and practical approach. Brimming with research from multiple cultures, this book is full of interesting case studies of famous and ordinary people, and their strategies. I found the book extremely useful. And those who are in relationships with introverts (professional or personal) will find this useful as well.
It is terrible to feel like an anomaly, to feel flawed and guilty for just being who you are. Even now, when I am complimented for having "improved" myself for the better, I feel some resentment and frustration. But, I remind myself that there will always be two versions of yourself - one that is shaped by how you see yourself (your self-awareness), and the second is how others perceive you. You have no control over the latter, and for the most part, that's just the superficial aspect of you. How others perceive you matters in a practical sense to get through day-to-day things that build equity over time. Do not let it cloud your own self-awareness as much as possible. All the changes, self-improvements, and calibrations you make within yourself need not be (and will not be) apparent to others. In that sense, validation and acceptance needs to come from within you. Easier said than done, but that's the journey we all take.
PS: Another book on Introversion I recommend is this one I read almost 8 years back (it is a lighter and quicker read).
PS: Another book on Introversion I recommend is this one I read almost 8 years back (it is a lighter and quicker read).
2 comments:
Its interesting to hear a different perspective. I have the exact opposite story. Growing up everyone around me termed me an extrovert - almost an arrogant extrovert because I spoke my mind and told everyone how I felt. I didn't have a problem with starting up conversations with strangers and my family always warned me to keep my distance. Isn't it funny that you are judged and asked to change the way you are irrespective of whether you are an introvert or extrovert? I was told to be more patient,less Type A ( so much for compartmentalizing people into certain groups). As I grew up family and friends convinced me that it would be good to be a little more introverted eventually leading me to hold my thoughts, be less bubbly,act more in control! Fortunately ( or maybe unfortunately for those that wanted me to "calm down") my profession has "forced" me to be an extrovert and I am unabashedly, unapologetically an "extrovert" who is 51% on the MBTI scale:). I cant help but wonder if I would have scored higher had I not been stirred to be an introvert. I still need my solitude, weekends when I don't want to interact,socialize or communicate with anyone. Channel my much coveted introvert maybe :) My take away - Self improvement is crucial, but consult yourself before you listen to the voices around you on what you would like to improve on. You will always be judged, it's up to you to take things to heart. Good luck on your journey :)
Thanks for sharing! I totally empathize.
I don't know about your background, but the preference of personality type (especially attributed to women) is also cultural. Asian countries like India prefer, encourage, and praise girls who are quiet and introverted because being quiet is wrongly classified as "biddable" traits of submissiveness/meekness/agreeableness etc. In India, I was praised as a "good" girl, but it was when I later came to the US - a country that favors and rewards extroversion - that things changed out of necessity. I also come from a family of introverts, so it was the norm to be quiet, until I started interacting with people who preferred extroversion because they were extroverts.
I think self-improvement to the extent that it helps you help yourself to navigate the world is necessary. It's a fine balance between retaining your "core" self and flexing yourself enough to survive in an environment that expects the opposite of you.
Post a Comment