Reflections: Quiet

The Myers & Briggs Personality Test (MBTI metric) classified me as 99% introverted 10 years ago. I agreed with it. Several wondered how I managed to escape the elusive 1% in the metric. This was not good news to people at work and family. I was always advised to change, to "better" myself. It was non-negotiable. Such an introverted personality (no matter what other traits they possess) is essentially perceived as a liability to oneself and to people around them. 

And so, I tried to change. I remember a conversation with my dearest friend, a fellow introvert who figured out the key strategies for self-adjustment. She would walk me through potential social scenarios and brainstorm ways in which I could participate in conversations, things I could say, how I could voice the statements etc. etc. Feels pathetic, doesn't it? But I needed it. I always did well 1-1, but in a group, I wanted to disappear and remain invisible. Why add to all the noise? But, that's how the world works - visibility and noise matter a lot.

Fast forward to the present. Increasingly over the past couple of years, people have been calling me "extroverted" and "bubbly" - terms that have never been associated with me. When I correct them, they vehemently disagree (much to my secret pleasure), my family senses "a change" in me, some friends were confused by my apparent dual personality, some old friends were pleasantly shocked, some even took offense when I wanted to shut out and be myself when I'd been "bubbly" just an hour ago, and the one person who has seen and lived through this journey with me finally commented - "you have brought out the better version of yourself".

So, the researcher in me, wanted evidence I could understand more objectively. I retook the MBTI test, and now I am 61% introverted. Still an introvert, but close enough to straddle and switch between personalities when needed. I recognize it as a survival necessity.

In my personal journey of self-improvement and awareness, this is significant for me. It took 10 years of painful reflection and constant calibrations, walking the fine line between being genuine and mustering some "fake" enthusiasm in light of the bigger goal, negotiations with family and friends over the frequency of socializations vs. solitude, and most importantly, recognizing and accepting the core of who I am, the things about me that will never change and that I do not want to change. There are still days when I hear people "pleasantly" cursing my introversion, telling me that I "don't seem like I even exist" (the existential questions that such statements trigger!), and there are days when I want to curl up and give up. 

And then I read this book that was recommended to me by several. I wish I had read it sooner. I wish I could just hand this over to people who refer to introverts with a negative inflection, who perpetuate the belief that extroverts are the "right type" of personality, the more lovable, "normal" people. 

Well researched and written with clarity, insight, deep empathy and understanding (for the author is an introvert herself), this is a comprehensive book for anyone curious about the personality differences and misconceptions surrounding introverts and extroverts. Every type of personality has intrinsic strengths and values. They are suited to specific types of jobs or environments, but are in no ways incapable of going beyond their sphere of "suitability". It requires some flexing of their personality "muscles" to fake and adopt some traits/skills to get to where they want to be. Many times, it is their uniqueness and how they apply their skills uniquely that matters. If networking is important to your career, you need to suck it up and do it. How often you do it, how you go about preparing for it, etc. is where you strategize, given your personality type. I appreciate this pragmatic and practical approach. Brimming with research from multiple cultures, this book is full of interesting case studies of famous and ordinary people, and their strategies. I found the book extremely useful. And those who are in relationships with introverts (professional or personal) will find this useful as well. 

It is terrible to feel like an anomaly, to feel flawed and guilty for just being who you are. Even now, when I am complimented for having "improved" myself for the better, I feel some resentment and frustration. But, I remind myself that there will always be two versions of yourself - one that is shaped by how you see yourself (your self-awareness), and the second is how others perceive you. You have no control over the latter, and for the most part, that's just the superficial aspect of you. How others perceive you matters in a practical sense to get through day-to-day things that build equity over time. Do not let it cloud your own self-awareness as much as possible. All the changes, self-improvements, and calibrations you make within yourself need not be (and will not be) apparent to others. In that sense, validation and acceptance needs to come from within you. Easier said than done, but that's the journey we all take. 

PS: Another book on Introversion I recommend is this one I read almost 8 years back (it is a lighter and quicker read).

Reflections: The Introvert Advantage

I hail from a family of introverts. It’s quite normal and acceptable for us to live under the same roof and exchange only two sentences every eight hours and be perfectly content. We bond over silences while engaging in activities that do not involve the other person directly, but still warm up in our shared solitude. We prefer writing to talking, and can articulate ourselves much better through the pen. When we do talk, conversations last for hours. When we do open up, we bare out our heart, mind, and soul.

I was molded as an anti-extrovert, and then was let loose into a world of extroverts. When I fumbled and grieved, I was immediately asked to change, to revamp my whole temperament and learn to get under the spotlight, to self-promote, and push the envelope. This process of burying my true self was harrowing. I’d decided that I didn’t have enough in me to survive in this world where flamboyance is rewarded in every walk of life. Authenticity is ignored - if I don’t know how to grease the squeaky wheels, I suffer, and am misunderstood. In this exhausted and frustrated state I came across this book. A peek into the preface almost brought me to tears (as sappy as it sounds). I felt such a strong kinship with the author, that regardless of any other reason, I had to read this book written by a person who mirrored me.

It’s a classic extrovert joke that an introvert has to read a book on introversion to learn about herself better, to get comfortable in her own skin, and extend her temperament to its fullest potential. But well, going past it, the book sheds plenty of light on the physiological reasons behind introversion and extroversion, and provides practical suggestions on improving yourself, and your personal and professional relationships. Most of us grew up with a negative connotation associated with the term introversion. People diagnosed with it are urged to change and get out of their shells. From a practical stand point it makes complete sense. But one can't operationalize such a change just by “trying harder”.

Dr. Laney brings out the fundamental difference between the two temperaments in terms of how they derive their energy or “dopamine hits”. Introverts draw energy from within themselves, while extroverts derive their energy from outside them - by being around other people, the constant hustle and bustle of activities, and the outdoors. Research has shown that extroverts are born with a long D4DR gene (named as the “novelty-seeking” gene) and are less sensitive to dopamine, due to which they need to stimulate their energy levels by often engaging in activities that titillate their senses (neuro-transmitters). On the other end of the spectrum, introverts are born with a short D4DR gene and are highly sensitive to dopamine, easily leading to over-stimulation and information overload. Quite literally, we are wired differently. Our neurotransmitters are different, the neural pathway in our brains that process information is different, and our metabolism is different. Clearly, there’s no debate on which temperament is better - both just tap into different resources, creating individuals who are unique in some ways. This revelation was such a huge relief to me.

I have exhibited all the tell-tale signs of introversion - every time my brain blanks out, leaving me incapable of clever repartee or action, and I stand (virtually) like a petrified deer shocked by the glare of the oncoming head-lights, knowing very well that I’m going to be run over, but remain helplessly frozen, I feel immensely disappointed with myself, wondering why I’m such a dim-witted misfit. But when I realize that my thoughts go through a circuitous route through my brain, making processing time inevitably serial and time-consuming, I breathe. Since my thoughts take a hike on such a convoluted and deep trail, the outcome is (supposedly) more thorough and deep. This also translates to - faster rate of energy expenditure (combined with the increased rate of metabolism). We tire out soon, and our motivation to interact with people who don’t matter, and to put on a superficial exterior wears out thin. A weekend full of meaningless socializing is a nightmare. But we aren’t misanthropes. We do like people, want to be around them and socialize, and will even dedicate our life’s purpose to do human-centric research. But the effort expended to remain lively and bubbly all the time, outweighs the warmth. The book discusses how you can be yourself and still maintain a balance of extroverted activities along with the much coveted alone time with yourself. We sourly need that solitude to recharge ourselves.  

Another eye-opening point the book brings out is, being shy and inhibited is not the same as being introverted. Extroverts can be shy, and introverts can be uninhibited. Inhibition is an acquired personality trait, precipitated by fear of rejection, embarrassment, failure etc. While it’s possible to work on overcoming such fears, Dr. Laney argues that the core temperament itself cannot be changed. You simply work with who you are, accepting, acknowledging and taking “bite-sized” steps towards achieving what you want, despite who you are. It boils down to a blend of determination, and the open-mindedness to leave your comfort-zone at times, to achieve your ambitions. I really appreciated such a line of recommendation. It is empathetic and practical. The suggestions don’t push you over the edge; Dr. Laney insists that you pace yourself and set limits on how far, and how often you can stretch your limits.

I like plenty of whimsy in my life. I have a soft toy of a snail hanging from my car’s rear-view mirror, to both remind myself and the guy behind me, that I am unfortunately a slow-crawler with sub-par motor-coordination skills. Ever since that acknowledgment, I see that I forgive myself easier, and can shush that over-critical high-pitched voice in my head that puts me down. I substitute it with the image of a dorky snail and try to laugh about it. And this is the same remedy that Dr. Laney recommends to introverts nagged constantly by their inner voice.  

Enfolded in such humor, empathy and practicality, the book is sure to help both extroverts and introverts better understand themselves and cope with each other.