Reflections: The Irresistible Henry House

It is 1946. Martha Gaines is reappointed as the head of the Practice House at Wilton College. She teaches young girls that flock to enroll in the program (due to very few career choices), the skills and techniques of good housekeeping and child rearing. Every year or so, the local orphanage provides the House with a “practice baby”. A healthy infant that is abandoned at the orphanage gets to be the hands-on training material for the young girls. Every week, the baby gets handled by a different cooing girl who learns how to bathe, change diapers, dress, prepare the formula, feed, play, and put the baby to sleep, among other parenting techniques such as training the baby not to suck its thumb, disciplining the baby to sleep alone, etc. Basically,  a crash-course on early motherhood for the girls. The young girls then graduate, formally certified and trained to be mothers and housekeepers. When the adorable baby turns one or two years old, s/he is put up for adoption, and eventually leaves the House with a loving family. Sounds like a fantastic idea, right? The babies get cared by so many enthusiastic and loving ladies, ever so warm and pampering, and in turn the babies help teach the ladies some smart skills to prepare for the future. What could possibly be wrong with this win-win situation? That’s the question that intrigues one to read this book.

The book follows the life of Henry, a practice baby, to address the question - how could such a program affect the babies and even possibly, scar them for life. Needless to say, I found it to be a fascinating book. Child psychology and parenting are close to my heart, and I have often wondered if it would be beneficial to for mothers-to-be to attend psychological training sessions, so that they pick up some vital parenting techniques before they fumble with their child. Although I never imagined using an “experimental” baby, it didn’t sound like a terrible idea when I read the preface of this book. Apparently, this story was inspired from the picture of a “practice baby” at Cornell! So, the story is drawn from real, historical evidence from schools in the US.

This book is more than a novel. It is a psychological sketch of Henry starting from his early years. The author brilliantly builds Henry’s psyche and personality, matching every experience he goes through to the ways in which his behavior and thoughts get altered. Poor Henry also has other complications to add to his baggage - he was the only practice baby to never leave the House. The matron of the house, Martha, vows to not get attached to any baby, but she falls for Henry and clings onto him as her last straw of emotional fulfillment. On one side is this suffocating and controlling love, and on the other is a painful void as Henry yearns for his biological mother. Enough to complicate the life of a young man.

The story reiterates the fact that the first 5 years of a child’s life is incredibly sensitive. Mishandling of these years results in lasting scars and psychological issues. Due to being shifted between dozens of caregivers, practice babies never learned to attach to a single caregiver. It is apparently extremely important for infants to feel consistently secure and loved by at least one parent/caregiver. The bond of love and trust that they build in their first year is vital to their emotional development. When handled by so many temporary caregivers, it’s traumatic for the babies to feel betrayed over and over again, every time their caregiver changed. They are eventually unsure of whom to trust, whom to cry for, whom to feel safe with, and grow up with attachment-issues and struggle to commit to any one thing - be it people, places, career, etc. This might seem like an extreme developmental issue, for there are millions of babies that are handled by several temporary caregivers at orphanages, out of no other choice. Are they all doomed for life? Henry's story shows that while attachment-issues can be alleviated later in life, they only worsen so much more if there are more rejections and other issues that aggravate things.

Other interesting themes are part of this story as there is plenty of social documentary in the background. The parenting principles of the 40’s and 50’s are critiqued, and the rise of women’s empowerment in the U.S is traced. I personally appreciated the author conveying the message that there is more to raising a baby or child, than feeding, diapering, and disciplining based on text-book prescribed rules. Parenting is much much bigger than that. And, too much love is not always a good thing, especially if it is misdirected.

The characters are very real - developed with precise psychological sensitivity. The reader can see past their flaws and readily sympathize with them. However, I couldn’t sympathize with Henry’s biological mother - I tried to, but I failed later on in the book.

A very interesting book - but perhaps only to those who are interested in psychological case studies. That is not to say the language is heavy or boring. The writing is simple, yet smart, and there is more to the story than a series of psychological accounts. I recommend it (if it’s worth anything)!

Reflections: Imperfect Birds

Rosie Ferguson is a typical American teenager. She is reckless, rebellious and emotionally distraught in her quest to find herself. Drugs and alcohol are hence her resorts to escape reality and float to a place where she doesn’t have to confront or resolve her problems. This tears apart Rosie’s mom, Elizabeth, and her stepfather. The more her parents reach out to help and curtail her derailed streak, the more she retaliates in the name of freedom. The fever pitch is intensified as Rosie’s mom battles her own psychiatric issues of depression, paranoia, and alcoholism. Parent and child feed fire to each other’s issues, resulting in a vicious cycle of emotional trauma. Lamott gives us a poignant vignette of these troubled lives. The book captures a few leaves out of their emotional journals, and the journeys they undertake to find peaceful, emotional stability.

Anne Lamott is surely one of the most sensitive writers I have come across. She precisely touches on the deepest roots of an emotional problem and expresses them beautifully. So much so, that despite the seeming heaviness of the topics discussed in the book, she doesn’t bring out despair or revulsion, but only channels ways by which we can understand, empathize and exude compassion. She manages this by realistically portraying the characters and their lives, without adding any miraculous revelations and endings as stories are wont to be. She objectively brings out both the parents’ thought processes, anxiety and love, as well as the teenagers’ confusions and compulsion to defy and break out of their parent’s control. Grounded in psychological realism, she addresses only those aspects of a character’s personality and psyche that are malleable to change, while holding constant those that are beyond much transformation. Some characteristics, however problematic, are to be endured. This balance is beautifully established.

I could connect well with all the characters, and relate to each of their angst, their deepest fears and insecurities. The helplessness and emotional trauma of both the mother and daughter were quite palpable. And as always, it pained me that two people who cared and loved each other so much, could also hurt one another deeply. So much of our happiness is reliant upon the bridge we can build between two minds. Yet how excruciatingly difficult it is for us to build such a bridge and sort out our issues. Under such circumstances, the love between parent and child, unfortunately only clouds and suffocates things more than clarify.

The repeated cycle of betrayals that Rosie’s mom had to suffer really tugged at my heart. Ironically, I related to her better than I did with the daughter - especially to her fear of losing her daughter’s love, her dread of facing her wrath, and her constant rationalization to defend her daughter and hope for change. However, it is difficult to take sides, as obvious as it may seem in the beginning to censure the daughter. Just as in reality, no person is clearly “bad” or strictly wrong. The characters have a mix of black and white. Each has their problems, but their stash of underlying goodness and love keeps shining through in specks, even in the most bleakest of times. These are the specks to hold on to - to glean hope and faith that change and resolution can be brought about.

The book is a psychologically perspicacious and sensitive discussion of the problems faced by most middle-aged parents with their difficult teenagers. The realism of the characters’ lives, and the insightful writing, help the reader garner empathy and hope.

The other side of Parenthood...

I got a very funny email about the most challenging and rewarding aspects of being a parent. The first half of the email was about the different ways to get prepared. A few snippets:

"Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?"


"Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time."


Of course, the last half of the email painted a much prettier picture of the joys of parenthood and how wonderful it is to relive being a child, with your child :). It's interesting that couples who want to adopt a child are made to go through a rigorous training and questioning and monitoring of their skills as a parent, whereas those who get married/pregnant never go through such rounds of questioning to be assessed of their skills as a good parent. Is it because it's assumed that people implicitly know to take good care of their own child as opposed to a child that was technically born to someone else? There is no doubt a stronger bond of love is implicitly born when you give birth, and the bond is arguably unique. But how much you love a child and how effective you are as a parent are not necessarily the same.


Having a baby is like getting a fresh batch of wet clay in your hands that is extremely impressionable with the most minute press of your fingers, and that hardens every hour, and you have only so many years and only so much time before you can mould it in "good" shape. You also need to know the and what defines a "good" shape. You don't want to shape them based on how you are shaped and later on hear your child complain that you are responsible for how they are today :(.


Bringing another being into this world carries such a thick tag of responsibility. It is true that no one can specialize being a parent before deciding to have a child, but it irks me to see babies being brought into this world just because two people are married, regardless of whether they are at a stage to provide for the child. At this current age, we have no pressing need to populate the Earth, so why not put some thought into what it requires to be a parent before plunging into it.


There should be an underlying meaning and reason to our decisions than merely following the routine, especially in a case where we are responsible for another being's proper growth and welfare. It is extreme to have a qualifying exam on parenthood before a wedding or childbirth, but I feel it is realistic if one sets some rules and engages in some form of introspection to evaluate how equipped and prepared they are.

Eternal joy of Parenthood...

Parenthood is one of the most fulfilling experiences... a wonderful galore of emotions of love and pain, and a lifetime full of rich memories. But it's never easy to let go of a child on its own journey to explore life... young ones leaving the nest is not taken lightly by mamas and papas.

We remember the times when our parents were our universe....their warmth and affection were all that we wanted. But we humans, unfortunately evolve over time.... our thoughts, our views, our attitudes go through a gradation of transformation, leaving our poor parents baffled and disappointed. Generation gap as they say, only seems to grow with every passing year. Parents never want to let go of the joy of parenting...and children seem to suffocate from it when they feel they have outgrown.

I am not a parent yet, but I am close to one now... I am parenting a fish. My dear little Bubbles. When the eerie, heavy feeling sinks at the pit of my stomach as I leave him at my friend's house before I head out for a vacation, I remember how my mother would have felt seeing me take off. As I repeatedly remind my friend how to feed him, I see glimpses of my mother over-protecting me. When I dream of Bubbles dying and drowning (a fish drowning!), and keep calling my friend to check on him, I realize how my mother goes through paranoia about me and ends up getting yelled by me. When I worry myself sick over his infection and his pale ill face, I realize how my parents would have felt hearing I was sick in another continent. A little fish made me realize the parent in me... and made me realize what parenting is.

But you see, contrary to us human children getting all the more rebellious with time, pets turn all the more loyal and obedient to us with the passage of time. Bubbles eats what I feed, with never a word of complaint, he comes where I go, doesn't argue with me on when his water needs to be changed, what plants he will have in his home, where his tank is to be kept... and which female buddy he can have (once he gets well). Bubbles doesn't disappoint me in anyway... unless of course he dies after all the mammoth effort I have been expending to keep him alive.

Pets like him are ideal for parents who never want to let go of parenting. And such dedicated loving parents deserve the reciprocation of a faithful, sincere being. No matter how you treat them, they always come running to you with no word of complaint. The term 'unconditional' love is truly applicable to pets. No wonder people get so attached to pets, and many in western lands prefer pets over babies :).

So the next time you see an old man inviting you to the birthday party of his little puppy, don't judge him, don't smirk or laugh at the idiocy of it.... realize that both the old man and the puppy deserve the party more than any one of us. The next time I meet my parents, I'm going to gift them a pet... so they can experience the eternal joy of parenthood. They truly deserve it...